MISSING BADLY!!! 

Do you know what the main problem in being a younger sister is? It is the loneliness they have to suffer after the marriage of their elder ones. Only girls who have elder sister know what it is like to live without her when she gets married. Marriages make a person closer to her partner and slightly away from her sister. The love, bond and affection shared between them are now shared with the husband also. Now I’m going through this phase. I am missing her badly. It’s just not missing but our intimacy tends to dwindle and this feeling is really hurting.

The bond that sisters share is something different from all other relationships.

 It is not that divine or pure but crazy funny, and a lovely. There is more friendship than sistership..more brotherhood..more motherhood.. Like every sisters, we also fight like crazy. It was used to be a bubbly chirpy and fully energetic house. Today it was not the same house. It seems quite. Life is never the same for me after my sister’s marriage. Suddenly the spirit seems diminished and I feel kinda lonely in the house as she was my only sibling. It’s not just a big life change for her but for me as well.  I felt like life’s too cruel maybe because of her sudden departure doesn’t fit in the picture I’ve been seeing since childhood. But I think I’ll get used to the void. 

Talking about my sister, I must say she is the most annoying person in the world. She is my best friend since birth. She has been there since day one and I hope she will be there till end. As much as we love we can fight a lot. We fight on the topic from a mere TV remote to U.S president Donald Trump. We still find ourselves fighting about at 25. No matter how weird and twisted and awkward our fights become, I can never stay mad at her or hold a grudge against her. I’m admitting it… fighting with sister is fun sometimes! And weirdest of all, I actually miss this bit. From who gets to use the bathroom first to who is mom more partial towards, these bitter sweet-arguments only happen with our sisters. I used to share every moment in my life, all girly issues, eventhough she gets bored hearing it. She scolds me for messing up her room. Now I conquered her room after her marriage. But I am not interested in messing up it anymore, I leave it spick and span. Because now it’s a room full of million memories.. Catching up at night about how our day went, late night gossips and so on. I felt very strange staying in our room without you at the initial days after your marriage.

 Her marriage was not only a big day for her but for me too.. The entire house especially me being the younger sister got busy with the wedding preparations because I needed to shoulder certain responsibilities as her best friend, best guide and everything apart; my sister was getting married. I had took the responsibility of arrangements for her wedding, and at times broke into tears or get over excited or sense some irritation. My excitement, delightedness and cheerfulness sometimes come out in form of tears and it speak for the amount of happiness, my emotional attachment with her.. That feeling sister going away from you, the weakening of that robust bond that you two use to share and living a life without her can burst you into tears. (Experience speaks). I took some responsibility of invitation, dresses for relatives’ etc.to help my dad who is overstressed at that time and I handled it maturely with a view to reach perfection. This feeling had put stress on my mind as I needed everything perfect. Also at times I had to hear dad’s scolds for improper managements. Being the manager of marriage functions, I totally entitled to the credit and praises showered by our guests upon organizing a wonderful function with dedicated authority. Putting hard efforts in making a marriage function successful brought me a sense of accomplishment. I feel proud of myself. The worst part I found in sister’s marriage was the bombardment with the comment- “it’s your number next”, from all your relatives at the wedding. And I hate my fellow relatives to the core for that comment which puts me in embarrassing and irritating situation. (And, once your parents hear this, they starts getting marriage proposals for you the very next day of the wedding from around the globe. Even though you might not be ready to get married

Today whenever she visits here, mom and dad treat her as a guest with all special treatments and formalities. It’s our home and how and when does she became a guest here. “Don’t talk to her like that in front of her husband. She’s married now. You can’t fight with her like that. What will her husband say? “These kinds of statements constantly were echoing in my house after her marriage. Mom expects me to ‘behave’ yourself in front of the new person.. Suddenly she has become a new person. Sometimes I feel like intruding or a ‘katturumb’ Also, I feel it’s best to not say a word or come across as controversial. There are moments when I realize being careful while talking is the best thing I can do. No matter how cool my sister’s hus is, it takes a long time to mix with them. I saw my sister less as she spent more time with her hubby and in-laws. We never hung out alone. And we hardly ever spoke to each other anymore, which felt jarring because we were best friends and had lived together for most of our adult lives. Everything about her seemed to change: her speech, her dress, her friendship group and her interests. We had less and less in common and I felt powerless as we drifted apart. Being part of a close-knit family, having my sister torn from our group and adopted by another family was strange. Rarely seeing her was stranger. But instinctively, I knew to shut up about it when I was around her. She was happy, which was what mattered, and I didn’t want that to change. And what if telling her how I truly felt only widened the growing gap between us? Whenever I tried to put forward this topic like many difficult situations we had between, she is dropping that subject and moving on. Relationships aren’t replaceable because they’re all different. You need partners, siblings and best friends for different reasons; lots of people comprise a person’s world and it’s unhealthy to be possessive or clingy. Over time, more things in my sister’s life will change. There will be more anniversaries, and moves, and even children. But despite all those changes, we’ll still be sisters. We’ll still communicate using only a glance or laugh, and we’ll still share idiosyncrasies and jokes that nobody else understands. She’ll always be there and love me unconditionally (I hope) and vice versa. And our dad and mom still confuse us on the phone sometimes. Those are the things that will never change.

Keeping the sad feelings aside, one advantage of her marriage was I got the entire room for myself. And not to forget, the tons of clothes, shoes and accessories, which she left behind. Well, a bigger wardrobe is definitely a cool thing to have to fit all that extra stuff, right? No more fight on the wardrobe and bed boundary invasion. 

Today I remember all those times when I did something wrong, and she covered up for me in front of parents. After that she used to blackmail me on that topic and I obeyed all her orders like cleaning, passing the remote, bringing water for her and all. Well, now she is there not anymore to do that. Now dressing up for an occasion just doesn’t feel the same. Before trying out 10 different outfits we did discussions on what to wear and annoying each other for a nod of approval. We would never step out of the house unless we approved of our dress and overall look each other! And while I helped her with the eye makeup, she’d make sure my hair bun looks just fine. We used to try various new beauty home remedies. We’d both read up and whip up some amazing new hair style or beauty sessions. Our night sessions were another memory. From stalking our not-so-nice cousins, relatives and neighbors on Facebook, to discussing your common friend’s love story – and our gossiping never stops. Just lying in bed with the lights switched off and having that chat session as we both drift off to sleep… Talks about our common celebrity crush, discussions on our favorite daily soap, fight on favorite things that dad bought for us and who gets more chocolates and even for who got more genes, who is more likely to mom, laughing forever at nothing in particular, the way you rush me and make me tensed when I need to go somewhere, teasing mom and dad.. I’m missing all these SOO much.

Someone very rightly said that relationships change with situations. Some things change for the better, some for the worse and some because they are meant to change. It’s bound to happen. Today she has another person to look after and “Sister Time” takes back seat. She has more important things to do like managing her professional life, marriage; house, household chores and other stuff. Her laptops, phones are not solely mine anymore. There is the ‘spouse’ in the queue, and he is probably before me (The Harsh Reality) I can’t boss over her any more. She has another person in her life who’s supposed to take care of her, and even though I’m irreplaceable. And I understand that for her it is probably really tough to strike a balance between old and new relationships. If I didn’t understand this then who else would do that?

If there were any life lesson I feel I could teach anyone, it would be to never take for granted the bond between sisters. Boys will come and go and friends will come and go but sisters will always be there. It sounds obvious, but it is a simple secret of life that shouldn’t be dismissed. For every giggles and tears, smiles and frowns, everything from dead serious to goofing around, life’s ups and downs, tornados and twisters we were there and we will be there for each other at any time. I know your marriage had taken you to far off place but never expect me to stop calling. And although life might take us in different directions, you will be in your heart always and you need to keep me in your heart also. Sorry if I sounds selfish. Even after my marriage or in our old age, our fights and our special “sister time” aren’t forbidden because these can NEVER STOP!!!!

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Confessions of a Pluviophile☔

Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapour and then precipitated

This is what science says. These explanations doesn’t matter to me because it is a phenomenan which is pure and serene. Concepts of condensation or evaporation is not at all a matter of fact. What matters is the cascading joy it brings!!

Grey clouds come like a giant airships and create a dusk like morning in the day time. Peacock spread their feathers and starts dancing in the anticipation of rain. (Unfortunately I haven’t seen it yet) The stage is all set. Then it starts raining. Tiny drpos dripping from the boundless sky. The most adorable part is even when it leaves, rainbow emerges far beyond our eyesight.

Rain can brought forth a massive wave of nostalgia

The first thing I remember is those paper boats I used to sailed in the rivulets carved by it. Other one I really adored is the petrichor, the earthly fragrance unbosoming the thought of turning back time between playful stomping and dancing on water puddles. I used to drench in the rain until parents would come and yell at me to get back inside. How strange is that we hold on to the pieces while we wait for our future? May be these rains made our childhood happy and blithe…

In this rainy season when memories of rain tugged me I looked back to a time when I often didn’t take umbrella on my way to school. (May be I am ready to sit with my wet clothes on but drying umbrella in classroom is the most annoying thing for me) The rain would wet us. That delightful walks with our buddies was truly a bliss. Coming back to home with a group of four in a single umbrella and taunting the scared souls to get wet who took refuge beneath trees and roadside shops is still in my memory. 

Rain on a misty morning in which our bums find reasonable excuse to hunker down and busy ourselves under our duvet covers. The most irritating was the school days during monsoon. I would grumply ask for 5 more minutes of sleep.(even now it is same but the difference is today I put my mobile into snooze mode). 

There is always certain calmness that comes with rainfall. Maybe it’s a literal cleansing of water falling from the sky or the pure white noise of rain.

Have you ever felt the rain? It’s not drenching always. Go outside when it rains. Open your hands and welcome every droplets. As the raindrops trickles through your face and spatter aimlessly down, close your eyes and listen to the silence of rain. You will feel like baptized with millions of droplets falling gently like feathers. And look around the plants dancing with elegance and hear the earth singing a serenade of thanks. This is how we feel rain. A pleasant and blissful experience. 

While I am enjoying it not once did the never ending to-do list haunts my brain. Instead it brought up a flood of childhood memories which are my fondest. It can never wash out our worries. But can keep it in a pause mode. We all live in such constant that we are rarely allow ourselves to take a deep breath and feel something. So cherish every rainy season and enjoy it’s every moment to the fullest. 

On a recent rainy day however, just as I was being drawn into my past (as usual) I was quickly pulled back to the present by those around me- some kids!! I smiled to myself. They have had not the chance to recollect such memories yet, but I know one day they will be going to have. Because this is happening in a loop from a long since. To them I am not a kid. But little did they know that I too wanted to join them and dance like a lunatic.

I am just a mature one (wishing​ to be a kid again) who realizes that for all the happiness and melancholy of life’s past nothing compares to the joy of rain. Here I’m hoping that those kids will look back on the rainy days they spent and cooped up at home and really feel the rain. 

Maybe rainy days compel us to tie together strings of time that appear fragmented, but are really just one long line of experiences that shape us into who we are and who we want to be. And in so doing, prepare us to become sources of light and warmth for the good of others (like our families) on — quite ironically — their own dark and gloomy days.

As with all rainy days, the clouds eventually disperse and the sun eventually peeks through again. When that happens, it usually signals the return of the daily grind: school/work or errands social obligations​ or whatever it is. But that shouldn’t stop us from appreciating the lesson of rainy days: that everyday is an opportunity to create positive, loving memories in service to others — a lesson that can be applied “come rain or shine”.

Some thoughts

This not just random thoughts​. But something more than that. Everyone wants a perfect married life,perfect partner, perfect family. Everything should be perfect. But is there anything called “PERFECT”?? My answer is no. A big no. We had studied in physics about perfect gas.

In physics, a perfect gas is a theoretical gas that differs from real gases in a way that makes certain calculations easier to handle.

Actually there no such thing like perfect gas. And the perfection we expect is also like this. In this world nothing is perfect. It’s only a mere thought or a concept we put as a benchmark or standard for our comparisons. The standards for perfection varies from person to person according to their ideologies. 

This thought of perfection is the real cause of every breakups, every failed marriages, failed relationships. When a person enter into a relationship with this, he/she is expecting according to the principles of perfection. When the principles doesn’t match then life becomes unhappy for them and arises the thought of adjustments. Eventually these adjustments becomes intolerable and then to a burden. Finally life becomes nothing less than a hell. 

Everyone search for perfection in everything. Accepting the imperfection and finding perfectness in imperfection is the best way to approach life.

The problem starts when he/she is entering into a relation with a lot of emotions which is beyond the requirement. They starts to measure their relations with their perfection scale. When it gets​ broken, depression, anger comes to rule out life. We forgets to live the life in the process of making perfect life. It will be near the end of our life when we reach our perfection. 

Life is a one time experience. I am not saying to enjoy every moment, but live its every second, feel every mini second. Be with your loved ones. Be aware that our loved ones have also there lives. We don’t have to invade their space, their priorities. Because in process of being with our loved ones, they will give you back the same care, respect, trust which we expects.

Always remember that “Nothing is permanent in this world.  So Never get obsessed with anything or anyone”. Something is always leaving/left/to be left. Go ahead and make your life meaningful in every aspect. Have a good life.

Confessions of a daughter

  

      Before being a sister, wife or a mother, I was a daughter and I am. The first relationship from which my journey started. Daughter is something which bound to have a lot of responsibilities towards those pure souls who have been gifted this life. Parents… Today I don’t know why but I have a feeling that I am failing as a daughter. That grief is killing me inside. It makes me to think about killing myself. 

Do you know what is the worst and hardest part? To continue to live when I wanted to die. 

It is because of your advices that I am still continuing. It is you and your advices that makes me stronger till date​. There were situation when I felt that I couldn’t handle anymore. But you both have given me the strength and support to face the situations, taught me how to find the core of a problem and resolve it. You were there for me as always. But was I there for you when you needed me??

      Dear Mom and Dad, being your daughter is the best prized possession in the world. I always wanted to make you proud. But I couldn’t do that till now. When the time for pay you back those love and care have arrived I couldn’t do that to it’s fullest. My matrimonial status is not allowing me to do so. Whenever I took a step towards you I got tangled in my marital status. 

     Mom, I know I am your biggest concern in your life. You were there for my demands from the very first day in the form of feed. From there on this demanding process is continuing. Still you are there for me to meet my demands irrespective of your age and situation. Neither I stopped demanding nor you stopped meeting my demands. I know you loved me unconditionally. But why did you let me go from your warmth. Wasn’t it just yesterday that you took care of me when I was sick, trotted me off to school, shouted at me for my mistakes, my graduation and finally leaving home. 

You stayed awake till I off to bed, stayed hungry till I eat. I still remember your tension for my board exams, your tears for my injuries, your happiness when I scored good marks. 

This was all your concerns and then this concern turned to marriage when I was twenty four. You wanted​ me to settle down. You were so desperate to see my marriage and you wanted me to build up a family as you did. The trust in you and your love made me to accept a man who I don’t even know. You had let go of your little girl, watching her loosen ties from her family of origin. And finally you had witnessed your little girl step into full of her womanhood which was an extraordinary transformation. 

Prescription of marriage is always more stringent for women

For me it was very difficult to adjust all the new happenings around me. I was forced to get accustomed to new customs traditions and rules. After marriage you have said that my husband’s home is my home. But what about my natal home? Why should I visit my own as a guest? Where does my identity exist, when I am a guest to my maternal home and I am an outsider to my husband’s home??? What about me when my In laws controls my relationships? It feels like captivated. 

I am also a human being having my own respirations perspirations and inspirations.

 Why should my parents bend down before my In laws always? You both are still trying your best to make them comfortable. Is this the way to bring security and dignity to your daughter in her husband’s house? The way you both unflinchingly carryout your role is something beyond words and emotions. And that is why I decided to confess about my feelings. It is at that moment when I wear the cap of a mother, I realized the excitement, confusions, nervousness and responsibilities of being a mother. I realized that this is the beauty and challenge of parenthood. 

   Today I can fathom the problems you faced or efforts you put in to take care of me. I always wanted to be there for you to give all the love and care you are giving me still.

 The child in me craves for the food you cooked…And I yearn to be that careless girl leaving all worries upto you and sleep besides you…. I really long to be that little girl once again who long to be taken care of, to be fed, to be loved just as when I was a kid..

  Dear Mom and Dad, Thank you for being there for me always and Sorry for all the times I failed as a daughter. I love you